Confrontation

Nobody likes conflict.  And people deal with conflict in many different ways.  Some people avoid conflict at all costs.  Others respond with unbridled anger or hurtful words or actions.   Too many people bottle up their feelings and any feelings of hurt or anger are turned inwards.  Then there are those who deal with conflict by lovingly confronting those who they are in conflict with.   These people attempt to deal with conflict in a way that builds up rather than tears down.   For church leaders to lead with integrity, they must be willing to confront in times of conflict.   

We having been looking at eight often-overlooked characteristics that effective church leaders share.¹  In this article we will consider how effective leaders deal with conflict.  They lovingly confront.

The Bible is clear about the need for confrontation where there is conflict and where there is sin.  After pointing out that "anger is cruel and fury overwhelming..." the writer of Proverbs goes on to say that "better is open rebuke than hidden love.  Wounds from a friend can be trusted...." Proverbs 27:4-6   Jesus taught us that when we discover sin in the life of another we need to "rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3).  In fact, we are urged to “exhort one another every day, as long as it is called ‘today,’ that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” (Hebrews 3:13).   Those who are unruly need to be admonished.  (1 Thessalonians 5:14)  From these and other verses, we learn that to way to deal with conflict and/or since is not avoidance.  Quite the opposite.   We are to confront. 

We see this also in the life and ministry of Jesus.  All we need to do is observe how Jesus dealt with the anger of James and John, the fear and denial of Peter, the betrayal of Judas, the doubt of Thomas, and the pride of all twelve as they fought about who would be greatest in the kingdom.  Jesus did not avoid these issues, but rather confronted his followers. He always spoke the truth in love, although sometimes very sternly.  As Jesus did not back down from confrontation, nor should we, especially those of us who are leaders in the church.  We need to set an example of how to confront, just as Jesus set an example to his followers.

So as a church leader, when the time comes when you need to confront someone, how should you do this?  You must begin with self-examination.  The apostle Paul tells us that "if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).  Yes, we should confront, but we must begin with keeping a watch on ourselves.   We cannot effectively confront others until we have confronted ourselves first.  Jesus taught us this when he said:  "How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (Luke 6:42)  If you have conflict with someone, first ask yourself, "What I have I brought or what will I bring into this issue?"  Have the courage to do your own spiritual inventory.  You have little control over how other people respond to a conflict situation.  But you can control how you act and respond.   So confront yourself first.

Second, remember the reason confrontation is necessary.  Where there is conflict between people there is division. With division there cannot be peace.  Yet the Bible is very clear that we are to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)  As Paul also writes to the church in Corinth:  "Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace." (2 Corinthians 13:11) Paul gives the same advice to the church in Rome:  "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)   When we strive to be peacemakers we show ourselves to be called children of God. (Matthew 5:9)  Be committed to be a peacemaker.

Third, be motivated by love.  When the apostle Paul confronted the church in Corinth about issues they needed to address he tells them: "For I wrote you out of great distress and anguish of heart and with many tears, not to grieve you but to let you know the depth of my love for you."  (2 Corinthians 2:4)  Paul shared his heart and it showed the depth of his love for those he confronted.   Yes we must confront, but we must do this out of our love for the other person.  We are reminded in the Bible that "love is patient, love is kind...." (1 Corinthians 13:4)  For this reason we must confront people in a spirit of gentleness (Galatians 6:1) and as Paul writes to the church of Thessalonica:  "We urge you, brothers and sisters, admonish the unruly . . . be patient with everyone.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14)  The one debt we owe everybody is "the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves others has fulfilled the law."  (Romans 13:8)

And finally, keep the goal in mind.  The goal of confrontation is to restore people into a right relationship with God and one another.   In Matthew 18:15-20, Jesus gives us a model of appropriate confrontation.  In these verses Jesus tells us that the reason we point out another's fault is to win them over.  To bring about reconciliation (see 2 Corinthians 5:16-20).  As we confront people we are sharing with them both truth and grace.  The truth of the nature of the conflict and the grace of forgiveness and new beginnings.  Paul tells us of the time when he confronted the apostle Peter:  "When [Peter] came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned." (Galatians 2:11)  This confrontation led Peter to understand the truth of his hypocrisy.  Peter was won over to Paul, so much so that later Peter warmly speaks of Paul as "our dear brother who also wrote you with the wisdom that God gave him." (2 Peter 3:16) 

Confrontation is one of the most difficult aspects a church leader might have to do.  While it can be difficult, it is also one of the most rewarding, as James reminds us: "If one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins."  (James 5:19–20)  In spite of the difficulties,  this is what effective leaders do.  They lovingly confront!

 ¹ The other characteristics we looked at are: effective church leaders listen to and obey the voice of God, are forward looking, have a can-do attitude, they own up to mistakes, and exercise patience.